Friday, October 29, 2010


So in the past week I've realized something. I am probably one of the hardest people to deal with ever. I am very much a perfectionist. I've always been this way though. I feel like if I can make everything in my life as perfect as possible then I will make everyone happy. I know it's impossible to make everyone happy, but it honestly upsets me when someone doesn't like me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong because I do everything I can to make others smile and laugh. I don't do it for me, but because I really do just care. I care about people I don't know. I don't know how to explain it really, there's this part in me that just wants to go to everyone whether I know them or not and let them know that someone loves them, to let them know that they are special. This was part of the reason I wanted to work with kids. I felt like if I could make a difference in even one child's life then I'd be happy. On the flip side I know this perfectionist view is hard to deal with for people who are close in my life. For example Loren and I have these designated dishes we use. We have matching bowls, cups, plates, and mugs. There are only 2 of each of these items, and I use them everyday if I'm eating with Loren. If I know only one of us will be eating I'll use something different. But when it's me and him I have to make sure it's all perfect. The other day I walk into his apartment and my mug had been used. Not only had it been used, whoever used it left it sitting on the couch, and they had milk in it! This really irked me because someone messed up my system, and it was just gross (oh that's another thing I have to clean the dishes right after we use them, I can't just leave them there or it bothers me and then they're not clean for the next time we use them). This really shouldn't have bothered me but I just looked at Loren and I was on the verge of tears because it bothered me that much.
There also was a time when I was cooking dinner. When I cook I have to make sure everything is perfect, and I'm paranoid that no one will like what I'm cooking. I ask about 10 times during the meal if it's ok and if they're being honest. I was making macaroni though and I went to drain the noodles and couldn't find the strainer. I decided to just put the lid over and leave a little space for water to come out, I've done this before. But on this time somehow I lost my grip and all the noodles go falling into the sink. My first instinct was to cry because I have ruined dinner. Loren walks over and says "no it's ok look they fell in the sink. We can just pick them up put them in the strainer and wash them, they'll be ok."  But I said no they're ruined I messed it all up and left the room. Loren ended up finishing the dinner and he ate the macaroni, and I ate like half a bowl because I felt so ashamed that I had messed it up. Loren kept telling me I didn't do anything wrong, but I still felt that way.
Now I say all of this because today is 3 months for Loren and I. Time is flying by so fast, but I'm so lucky to have him in my life. Like I said I know my perfectionist self is hard to deal with at times, but he sits there and says I love you just the way you are. We've talked about this a lot and he'll ask me why I feel the need to be perfect and I say that I feel that he deserves to only have perfect things. He deserves to have the best of everything. His response was "but you are already perfect, you're perfect for me and that's all that matters." I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am that Heavenly Father placed Loren into my life. It was completely unexpected and not what I was looking for (or really wanting at the time for that matter), but I know He put Loren in my life for a reason. I've never had anyone who has been more perfect for me before. Loren picks up where my flaws leave off, and he helps me to be a better person, to want to be a better person. I couldn't imagine having anyone else there to help me along. As I see what Loren and I have now and look back at past relationships, I see how wrong other guys were for me. So even though this wasn't what I was expecting or wanting, I know that God had other plans for the both of us. Loren also wasn't expecting or wanting it. He got off his mission in June and he had told himself he wasn't going to get serious with a girl until 2 years after his mission. Well he lasted about 2 months (actually less) before we were dating. We had been dating 2 weeks when I decided to come out the Utah. But for me it honestly wasn't my decision. I prayed about it so much before coming out and I know that Heavenly Father was telling me to come out here. While being out here I've had the opportunities I've never had before to be able to really take the time to focus on my relationship with God and Christ. To really build up my testimony to make it even stronger. Everyday I'm here and I see how much God has blessed me I'm that much more grateful for all He does in my life. I definitely don't think it was an accident Loren and I talked that night at the fireside this summer, or that no one was at Institute to take me home other than him the night we had our 1st date. I know Heavenly Father knows exactly who to place in your life when you need it, and Loren was exactly what I needed at this time. Everyday I get to know Loren the more my love grows. I hope it only continues to do so.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Any Dream Will Do

So my title just happens to be the song I'm listening to. It's been quite a while since I wrote. I had meant to several times but just didn't get around to it. A lot has happened since then, I went to General Conference (way way cool), attended another BYU game (they won and it was homecoming!!), got my patriarchal blessing (also cool), and went to Las Vegas (my least favorite of these events). I don't really know what to say about General Conference other than it was so incredible to be there. I never imagined I'd get to go to one in person it was so cool! And it was fun to hang out with some of Loren's family as the guys went to the Priesthood session. The next weekend I think was homecoming and that's when we went to the game. Honestly I didn't expect BYU to win because well if we're being honest they've been pretty terrible this year. But they pulled off the win so it was exciting!! I would write more about these things, but really it's been a while I can't remember a lot. So sorry. And I'm trying to make this not forever long.

So I finally got my patriarchal blessing. I go to the patriarchs house and he talks to Loren and I first, then talks to me alone. He was such a sweet guy and he asked me to tell him my testimony and when I got done he just said wow I'm so glad I got to hear that it was very impressive. He kept telling me Loren and I look like a nice good couple which made me laugh inside each time. But so he gives me my blessing and it was so awesome. I've told Loren before I hate blessing and being set apart and what not because I always shake a lot when they put their hands on me. I'm always afraid they can feel me shaking and think it's weird. With my patriarchal blessing I didn't shake at all. It was just so calm and peaceful through it all. It was all good but probably my favorite part was when it talked about motherhood :) For those who know me well know that my ultimate goal is to be a stay at home mom. I want to have lots of children and just stay with them and take care of them and make sure they're being raised in a loving environment knowing they're children of God and having a love for him. But also to know their parents love them regardless of anything. Well in my blessing it said I will be blessed with motherhood and love it. I will raise a family in the gospel and God will send me some of his strongest because he's confident in my abilities as a mother. When I heard that I wanted to cry. At first I was a little taken a back because it said I will be sent the strongest and in my opinion I think how can I do that? I don't think I'm strong enough to take them on, but all through out the blessing it kept repeating how Heavenly Father is pleased with me in my willingness to do whatever he asks of me.

I'm glad I got it at this age. I know a lot of people like to get it at a younger age, but I feel like this was the perfect timing for me. I don't think at any other age I would have really understood or appreciate it. The day before we left for Vegas I got my blessing in the mail so I could read it. (Oh yeah mom I've been meaning to read it to you, but every time I talk to you on the phone I forget). So this weekend we went to Las Vegas. Loren's cousin Matt was giving his homecoming talk. He got back a couple of weeks ago (just in time for conference actually) from El Salvador. So on Saturday we get to Vegas and walk down the strip. Now that I've done it that's all I can say is I walked down the strip. I have no desire to ever go back there though. It was pretty awful (well with the exception of some things). I liked the Coke and M&M places, and the fountains in front of the Bellagio was awesome. However it's definitely not a place to be after around 6, when it starts to get dark. I saw some things I wish I had never seen. I also think I wasn't enjoying it because I was running on 3 hours of sleep, riding in a car for 5 hours, and I felt like I was going to die. Needless to say when I got to bed that night I couldn't have been more thrilled. Best night of sleep ever!! Then the next day Matt gave his talk and he did an amazing job!! It was really one of the best talks I've ever heard. However I never imagined I'd be more thankful to be back in Utah.

Now we're back and things are getting to normal again. Oh and just throwing it out there I didn't get a job at the Marriott, bummer but my wonderful mother has been giving me some things to do for their office and has given me money for it. I'll take it for now. Alright that's all :)